The latter is a question I have considered – in some form or another – many times over the past few years. But this week, in particular, I have been experiencing a ‘crisis’. What sort of crisis? An existential crisis? A moral crisis? An epistemological crisis? I think it’s a bit of all three, and it’s left me exhausted, both mentally and physically. It’s left me unable to function properly; unable to think properly.

I said that the problem with philosophy was that it’s too objective, and I struggle to keep such a distance, as subjectivity always creeps in. To be a philosopher, you need to be apathetic, as empathy can warp your perspective, and lead to thinking that may not be conceived as truly rational. I think, therefore, that it’s me who needs to change, rather than philosophy itself. I need to show less empathy if I really want to get anywhere as a philosopher. Prima facie that seems like a really bad idea; after all, emotions are good, right? They’re what make us human! As things stand, though, being empathetic isn’t really ‘getting me anywhere’. All I’m finding, to be honest, is that I’m slowly losing my mind. I put myself in situations that I really shouldn’t put myself in – that people tell me not to put myself in – and then I screw things up. In that regard, my life is like a broken record, as I keep on making the same mistakes.

Maybe I’m just really unfortunate? I think that comes into it slightly, as the other day I was considering all of the negative things that have happened to me over the last few months – since I first came to university – and the list is surprisingly long. Because they happened one at a time, I just got on and dealt with them, but looking back at them all together, it’s rather scary! The amount of stuff I have to deal with is quite… disturbing, I guess. If I were to extend the list to cover my entire life so far, it would simply be horrific. When enough ‘bad’ stuff happens to you, you sort-of learn to deal with it. It’s not the case that you don’t hurt inside, but rather you tend to just keep it all inside, and carry on. Why? Because that’s what you have to do to keep going; to keep living.

The amount of stuff going on inside my mind right now is just incredible. There are so many emotions whizzing around that it’s difficult to keep up with them all. There are so many thoughts, also; so many things that I need to do, or choose, or overcome, or simply get over. I don’t think philosophy is the problem; I think I’m the problem.

It might strike you as ironic that I’m using philosophy to come to terms with my dissatisfaction with the practice. I can understand that argument, but I’ll try to explain why this doesn’t brand me as a hypocrite. You see, if you strip philosophy back to its basics, it’s quite a respectable practice, really: using logic and reason to investigate controversial topics in an attempt to obtain answers to some of the bigger questions in life. Hey, we all have ‘big’ questions we’d like answering, and philosophy is the way to find the answers, or, at the very least, to get on the right path to finding the answers. I think, then, that it’s the word ‘mainstream’ that’s important here. What do I mean by it? Is there such a thing as ‘mainstream philosophy’? These are all relevant questions. I think it’s a term that I’ve defined myself, and therefore you may not be able to relate. To me, mainstream philosophy looks at the way that philosophers act these days: the methods of inquiry that contemporary philosophy use in their quests for knowledge. It’s a whole way of thinking, not just of acting; in fact, it’s a way of living.

I’m doing a Philosophy degree, and this week we started two new modules: Ethics, and Knowledge and Perception (Epistemology). Everyone was really excited to start these modules, as they both sounded really interesting. I must confess that I myself was looking forward to tackling the issues that would be raised, in Ethics in particular. After all, Ethics is relevant to all of us, as it has such a huge impact on our lives; it’s something that everyone has an opinion on, in some form or another. However, I had two lectures this afternoon – one for each module – and both left me frustrated and dissatisfied. In one, counterexamples were used to show that the tripartite definition of knowledge isn’t good enough, but I found the counterexamples extrmely weak, and therefore the argument flawed. In the other lecture, far too many assumptions were made regarding ethics, many of which I simply believed to be false. When your argument is based on false assumptions, you’ve got yourself a wek argument. It’s difficult, though, when everyone else seems satisfied, to still feel that you’re right. There were many different questions running through my head: have I misunderstood? Is there something I’m missing. Is nobody else thinking like I’m thinking? Why can nobody see what I can see? Such questions lead to doubt: doubt in my thought processes, my understanding, and my ability in general.

This evening, however, I believe I’ve worked out at least part of the reason why I’m so dissatisfied. Philosophy, I feel, is too objective. I mean, to be reasonable and logical, you sometimes need to take a step back and be a bit objective, but the whole practice is far too objective for my liking. I need to get involved with matters, not simply stand, staring in from the outside and analysing what’s going on. After all, what good would acting in such a manner do? What do you achieve by practically disassociating yourself from the situation at hand. You need experience – that’s how you make good judgements. I’m not going to stand around watching something bad happen, analysing whether it’s bad, and why it’s bad; I’m going to make the judgement that it’s bad, because I ‘know’ in my gut that’s it’s bad, and then I’m going to rush in and try to stop it. You need empathy, even though philosophers might argue that it ‘clouds your wisdom’; you need to be subjective, even though philosophers might argue that your perspective becomes ‘warped’. Philosophy itself isn’t satisfactory, if you ask me. You need to incorporate humanity.

Far too many people nowadays hide who they really are; they put on a facade, showing others only what they think they want to see. What can we infer from this? I think the main issue is that a lot of people don’t feel comfortable with who they are; they don’t feel comfortable in their own skins, and so try – or at least pretend – to be something they’re not.

I imagine everyone’s hidden something or other about themselves at some point or another. After all, we live in a society that is extremely judgemental, where some things – thoughts, actions, ways of behaving – aren’t acceptable, and so moderation of character is necessary. There’s a major difference, though, between keeping some small part of who you are to yourself, and putting on a front; actively being someone you’re not.

Now, this is a bit of a controversial issue. Some people might say that you can’t not be yourself, as whatever you do defines who you are; every action is some small part of your overall self. I disagree, however, and would say that who you are is what comes naturally to you – your human nature – made up of the thoughts, actions, and ways of behaving that you feel most ‘comfortable’ with. I don’t mean comfortable in front of other people, but rather comfortable within yourself, without any passing judgement or expectations to live up to.

Moderation can be important, as you obviously need to consider other people when you’re in a social environment. You need to think about the consequences of your actions and how people might view you. At the same time, thought, you most certainly shouldn’t let that rule your life. Please, please, please be yourself, and don’t hide the real you, presenting a false character to the rest of the world. I’ve seen it happen so many times before, and it’s one of the hardest things to watch. You know somebody – the real them – as a wonderful, beautiful person, but then you watch as they sweep it all under the rug and turn in somebody completely difference when they find themselves around other people.

I like to know real people. After all, people can be pretty brilliant! Strip away peer pressure, the need to feel wanted and accepted, and let people be themselves and you’ll find we live in a pretty empathetic, caring society, full of people with hopes and dreams, with skills and talents that may well blow your mind.

1. We shy away from technology and all it has to offer us, because we may be ‘scared’ of the power that is available to us.
2. We use technology for meaningful, everyday things, without harnessing its full potential.
3. We fully harness technology and all of its capabilities to make a positive difference to the world.

Now, it’s quite clear which option I’d choose. In fact, I think there’s only one options that anybody should choose: the third one. We search for meaning in our lives, and it’s through the use of everything that we have available to us in this modern era that will allow us to find that meaning.

Fred also said one other thing of great importance: that, during World War II, it was the most educated people who were responsible for the most deaths. It was the educated people who designed the gas chambers, and the guns, and the tanks. That’s a scary statistic, and at the time I wondered where on Earth he was going with this trail of thought. After all, one minute he’s saying how we’re all educated, and the next he’s saying how it was educated people who caused the most deaths in one of the most tragic events in history. However, he went on to say it’s not about purely being educated, but rather combining that education with a sense of morality, in order to truly achieve. I think that’s a brilliant, beautiful, wonderful sentiment. What’s the use in having knowledge if you then don’t know what to do with it? The truly successful people are those who can use what they’ve learnt wisely; who have a moral compass that points true and can act on not just their heads, but their hearts as well.

Another quick thought, though: isn’t saying “Hey, I’m successful!” self-righteous? Is success something that should be left for others to judge? The problem with that is that everyone has their own sense of what success is; their own criteria for what would make them successful. But is it really right for us to judge ourselves? I’m not too sure, and I believe it’s something that needs a bit more thought.

The problem comes when we try and change; when we try and break that routine and attempt a different way of doing things. These significant changes – or attempts at change – tend to come at important times in our lives. For example, when you’ve been deeply affected emotionally by an event – such as the death of a friend or family moment, or if you lose your job, home, etc. – you can feel the need to change who you are; to do things a new way; a better way. Another time in our lives when we aim for change is at the New Year, when we set out resolutions that we desperately try and stick to. All too often, however, we fail; we resort to being the people we were before, and to doing the things we did before.

Why is this? It’s because people are creatures of habit. That’s pretty evident from the fact that we need a significant event to come around to even consider changing in the first place. Change can be a long process, and all to often we just give us, either because it’s all too tiring, or because we don’t see any change in our person. The key, I guess, is to be patient and stick at it. Yes, it may require a lot of effort and energy, and the result may not be immediately evident, but eventually you’ll get somewhere. Slowly, but surely, you’ll work your way towards being a better person; towards being the person you want to be, either for your own sake, or for the sake of your friends or family, or in memory of the loved ones you’ve lost. Put in the effort now and you’ll be rewarded further down the line.

The idea is simple: the website will act as a ‘database’ of sorts for charities and other non-profit organisations, big and small, from the UK and abroad. It’s actually a blog, and so what I’m hoping to do is create a post for each organisation, which will act as the ‘database entries’. These posts will (hopefully) be short interviews with people working for the respective organisations. Basically, I’m going to send out a bunch of e-mails over the coming weeks to get an idea as to which organisations are interested. If enough are, then I’ll send out questionnaires for them to fill in. These completed questionnaires will be the articles that I then put up on the site. It’s really as simple as that: basic information about a whole bunch of non-profit organisations, written by people working for them.

Of course, nothing is ever completely straightforward, and I’m depending on interest and cooperation from these organisations to get the project properly off the ground. After all, if nobody’s willing to fill out the questionnaires, there’ll be nothing to post. In an ideal world, all the people I e-mail will be happy to spend a few minutes filling out the questionnaires and I’ll have plenty of content for the site, and it may turn out to be a valuable resource for some people. I guess you need to go into projects like this with a little bit of hope and optimism, as otherwise they won’t work. I really want this one to work, though, so I’m going to give it my best shot.

I’ve been spending the night on my own in my room, much the same as any other night. I thought I felt okay, and I’d find the whole thing fine, as I could treat it as just a normal night. It’s difficult, though, when you want to have something to celebrate. I mean, the world is full of so many terrible things these days, and 2011 was a pretty rough year for everyone, so of course it’s nice to find an opportunity to let your hair down and celebrate. I certainly spend enough of my time being moody/serious/miserable to say that I need the odd break. Has it come tonight, though? Unfortunately not.

Some people say that they’re happy simply seeing other people be happy. I wish I was like that – I really do – but I’m not quite there yet. I love to see other people being happy, but there’s still this emptiness inside of me that suggests that I’m missing something. It’s a funny old feeling, really, as a lot of the time I want to be desire, an attention-seeker, but then my morals kick in and I restrain myself. I don’t do what I want because I don’t want to hurt anybody else. Who ends up taking the punches? Me. Who ends up making the sacrifices, big and small? Me. Don’t get me wrong, I do it because I choose to, but it does take a lot out of me, and often what I lose doesn’t get replaced.

Isn’t that a lovely thing for me to say on the first day of a new year? Well, when the day properly comes around I’m sure I’ll be in much higher spirits, with a newfound resolve and determination, working hard to achieve my goals. That’s what I really want. For now, though, it just feels like another moment in my life where I’m missing out.

I think this is mostly going to be a post of statistics. I find it hard to believe that it’s been exactly a year since I ended my 365 Days to Change the World project. That was something that I fully dedicated myself to for the entirety of 2010, and to be honest it was bloomin’ difficult at times. Still, a year ago today I wrote the final post, and I’m very pleased to say that, at this moment, the blog has had 3549 views in total. Once again, that’s almost 10 views per post, which is great! Somewhat amusingly, the blog has seen more action this year than it did last year, when I was actually running the project. That’s a good sign, though, as it shows that it’s still relevant, and can (hopefully) remain active for many years to come. We’ll just have to wait and see, I guess…

To an extent I regret not having a proper project to focus on this year. On the other hand, I’ve been extremely busy, what with my A levels, then being up in Scotland, then starting university. Next year, though, I’m hoping to commit myself to another project, which I’ll talk about a bit more tomorrow. It’s an idea I’ve had right since the start of this year, but I never going around to starting it properly. Hopefully it’ll turn out to be something that helps people and does some good to someone, somewhere in the world. Hey, that’s what I’m here for, after all.

It never fails to surprise me – amaze me, even – to see that people read this blog. I don’t know who you are, or why you read my posts, but thank you, nonetheless. You have no idea how much it means to me to know that people out there have an interest in what I have to say, and the things that I do. Maybe at some stage in the future I’ll be able to get some of you involved in my projects… I think that’s be really awesome! For now, however, I wish you all a happy New Year! See you in 2012!

So how, then, can I state that I make a lot of mistakes? I define my mistakes as being the actions I perform – the things I do – that I then regret, or feel bad about, or wish I’d done differently. Maybe I’m too quick to judge, and should spend more time looking around to see if others have benefitted from the things I’ve done… To an extent, I do do that, if only in part. I only regret my actions if they end up hurting/harming somebody in some way, either physically or mentally. If it was just myself I hurt, I wouldn’t really care; it’s when I hurt the people I care about that I feel bad, and dwell on my actions, and – to be honest – I end up in a right old state.

Is this me overthinking again? Most probably. Sometimes I feel guilty for things that aren’t even more fault, or are out of my power/control. I hate seeing injustice in the world, and so when I see a situation where I could act, yet don’t, I later feel bad; I feel guilty and view my earlier lack of intervention as a ‘mistake’. I end up forgetting a lot of these situations as time goes by. I put a mental block around them, as otherwise it’s all too much to cope with. From time to time, though, especially when I’m feeling down, a lot of them resurface, and I end up seeing vivid images of all the things I’ve done – or haven’t done – in the past that have led to negative consequences. I could easily just say this is all part of my ‘curse‘, how I can’t control these thoughts and how they haunt me. I think, however, that when I experience these memories I actually ‘relish’ them; they remind me of my humanity, of my vulnerability. It gets said again and again that you shouldn’t dwell on the past, but experiences are there for us to learn from. What if we learn nothing? Should we completely forget about them? Or should we remember them from time to time until we finally learn the lessons concealed within them?

We didn’t set off back to my aunt and uncle’s until around 11PM. As I was being driven, I stared blankly out of the window. There wasn’t much to see, as it was dark, and trees lined the road. Then, however, the trees cleared. This is what I saw:

I saw an open landscape, shrouded in darkness. The blackness stretched on for as far as the eye could see. A few trees were scattered sporadically across the scene, though they were only visible as silhouettes again the moody sky. The sky itself was filled with thick clouds of varying tones of grey, and there was an aura of pink light just over the horizon. The scene was bleak, lonely, desolate, and yet oh so beautiful.

Being driven in the dark gives me a degree of peace of mind. In fact, I’d go as far as to say it’s pretty much the only time when I truly do feel at peace. There’s something about the nighttime that is simply… breathtaking. It is during these few occasions that I am not afraid of death, as I feel that, if I were to die in such a moment, at least I would die ‘happy’.