I thought this post might be quite interesting, as around this time each year everyone’s busy celebrating, wishing each other a happy New Year, and generally having a good time. Temporarily, everyone seems to forget the ills of the world, both global problems and personal problems. It’s a time to spend with loved ones.
I’ve been spending the night on my own in my room, much the same as any other night. I thought I felt okay, and I’d find the whole thing fine, as I could treat it as just a normal night. It’s difficult, though, when you want to have something to celebrate. I mean, the world is full of so many terrible things these days, and 2011 was a pretty rough year for everyone, so of course it’s nice to find an opportunity to let your hair down and celebrate. I certainly spend enough of my time being moody/serious/miserable to say that I need the odd break. Has it come tonight, though? Unfortunately not.
Some people say that they’re happy simply seeing other people be happy. I wish I was like that – I really do – but I’m not quite there yet. I love to see other people being happy, but there’s still this emptiness inside of me that suggests that I’m missing something. It’s a funny old feeling, really, as a lot of the time I want to be desire, an attention-seeker, but then my morals kick in and I restrain myself. I don’t do what I want because I don’t want to hurt anybody else. Who ends up taking the punches? Me. Who ends up making the sacrifices, big and small? Me. Don’t get me wrong, I do it because I choose to, but it does take a lot out of me, and often what I lose doesn’t get replaced.
Isn’t that a lovely thing for me to say on the first day of a new year? Well, when the day properly comes around I’m sure I’ll be in much higher spirits, with a newfound resolve and determination, working hard to achieve my goals. That’s what I really want. For now, though, it just feels like another moment in my life where I’m missing out.
